It is what it is...

     When I started this blog page...4 years ago now....I really didn't know what I was looking for or what I was wanting to get out of it. Honestly, I am still not quite sure what I'm trying to get out of this. But I guess I kind of have a "why the fuck not?" attitude about it.

     So my life as of today has been quite the adventure, so to say. While my divorce has officially been lengthened to a four year venture, we are finally closing in on a finalization date. It is very relieving to finally be at the end of it. While it truly only lasted 10 months, I'm glad that at least I had the chance to visit the west coast, live in San Diego for a while, make wonderful friends with a few people and even have the chance to visit Mexico and Alaska. Without ever having this marriage I'm not sure I would have had those opportunities. Sadly, this marriage was one of my many mistakes I've made as an adult. I cared for my husband, and at one point even loved him. However, we were in no way made for each other. Sadly, it was a farce. As I said though, without it, I probably never would have had those fun times. 

     This reminds me of something I heard on a movie once, "We only accept the love that we think we deserve." I can't tell you how many times I settled in relationships. I simply accepted them because the one I had always wanted had never wanted me, or so I thought, but that's a different story altogether. I knew going into some of my previous relationships that they would never last, but I also knew that if I didn't give it a shot I would never know for sure. I hated feeling alone and even though I wasn't truly happy with them, maybe I could do my best and maybe it would be okay. 

     It may have taken me 10 + years to figure this out, but never, NEVER allow yourself to settle. Never accept a situation with a significant other that is not what you truly want. This is probably the only time I believe that we have to be selfish to be happy. I'm not saying be selfish and controlling over you significant other, but know what you want out of a partner. Know where you need your partner to be in their life, know the level of commitment you are looking for, know what qualities in a person you find most important, know what you want and DON'T SETTLE.

Love is very complicated. Sometimes you're on cloud 9 and soaring to places you never knew existed. And sometimes you're stuck in a cloud of doubt and pain because you're not sure what exactly is going on. It's so difficult to be so unsure of how things are going. When all you want is to know that the one you love with your entire being, feels the same. There are times we go through in relationships that will either make or break you. Unfortunately I am prone to having a lot of anxiety about many situations. It's so hard for me to not know if I am going about something the wrong way or what to do to get back to where we were. 

Stupid petty things stand out to me. It's the small things that speak loudest when I look around. It's the small hand gestures or lack thereof. It's the hugs, the cuddling, the kisses, the sweet things being said.....or lack thereof. 

I guess it's just the female in me, but god does it hurt. 

I know I am so very far from perfect it isn't funny. I know I can be irritating and stupid at times. Loving me is no easy feat. 

Yet loving you is all I have ever wanted. 

Sometimes

Sometimes the pain is so real, it's all you can feel... there's so many words in my heart yet so little that can pass my lips without crumbling.

Nothing but a walk

There are many different roads in life. Ones that we're forced to walk on, one's that we are encouraged to walk on, one's that we happen upon, and one's that whether we know it or not at the time, aren't the best to walk on. I'm sure most people can look back and point out at what points in time, they were on which road.
Now my question to you is, can you tell what road you are on right now? Can you sincerely admit the truth to not only others, but yourself? Where are you in your journey of life?
Did your road suddenly turn into a dead end? Has it come to a fork where both paths look bad? Or has it suddenly merged into an off ramp in which you have no idea where the hell you're headed?
For me personally....I would have to go with the merged and I'm in the middle of I Don't Know Where the Hell I Landed territory.
It's ridiculous anymore. I had a plan for myself. One that would have taken me to such a different life. One that would have been probably more honorable. But at this point, I can't tell if it would have been worth it. One thing I have always said is that I regret nothing. Although the words come out of my mouth from time to time if I'm talking about certain stupid mistakes I have made. But truly if I were to regret it all, I'd be selfish. I would be taking back so many wonderful memories. Like holding my baby girl for the first time (and having a slight mental breakdown BECAUSE I HAD A KID!! lol). Or when my first love, Dustin, asked me to skate with him at my 13th birthday party and then asked me to be his girlfriend. While my dad stood off to the side giving us death eyes :). Or the first time I picked up a saxaphone.
How could I honestly look back and say there was anything I regretted? Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I have made many horrible mistakes in my life. There are things that I wish I had thought out more. Things that were stupid. But all of those mistakes have made me who I am. They have brought me through life to be a strong and loving mother. And altogether a strong person. I found a quote not too long ago that I felt described my feelings about this subject quite well. Here it is:
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." - George Bernard Shaw

So all of those mistakes that you might regret or that end up doing damage, yea they suck, and trust me they will hurt, but don't regret. They are your stepping stones to life. They are the forks in the road, they are you. As mine are me.

But I think I got a bit off topic. My road has merged and keeps going. I'm crossing

(OK, so I apparently wrote this post YEARS ago, I just found it today....and I honestly needed to read this to remind me just how far I've come in life and how far I still have to journey....so for those that this might help, I'm posting this now)