Written MONTHS ago

I've noticed I had quite a few looks at my blog. Thank you to those who found my blurb slightly interesting. I'm sure there is a lot of ranting I can do so I will try to keep this slightly on course. I'm still trying to get divorced...and the ex isn't making many things easy about it. He refuses to speak to me about our daughter and her financial needs and continues to think I'm only asking for help for my personal financial gain. Which is crap. I have everything I need, my daughter, a roof over her head, and food in her mouth. It's hard for me to think about the things I've done in my past and that those events have defined who I am......sometimes I believe it defined what I am. I sometimes worry I am just a drone walking through life faking it as a human. If there hadn't been so many years that I inflicted pain on myself...and if I hadn't felt the pain of child birth I would believe it with no doubts. My daughter keeps me alive though, she keeps me going. My point is, no matter how horrible my past, present, or future, there will always be someone counting on me. As I stated in my previous post, my family loves to draw me into the whole "knight in shining armor" gig and there I am again, no tears, only soothing words and hugs and at times a rigid back and blank stare just to show them whatever strength they think I have. I am usually going over in my head how it's ridiculous for them to think I am strong, me, the person who just hides as much as possible from reality. I literally clock out of life and shut my brain off any chance I get. Of course that's a horrible way to deal with things, and I understand this, but I am who/what I am.
Speaking of...there is this cliche I heard about marriage, about how men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping to change them. It's true. That is until you realize that it's not the other person who needs to change or stay the same...it's you. You are the reason why things happen the way they do. You are the reason why you are sitting here reading my rants or clicking the next button. One simple action can affect the rest of your life. And trust me it can be for the worse. My marriage...and part of my life before that....were my actions. And while I view my marriage as possibly the worst mistake of my life, there were many wonderful things that came out of it. I have gotten the chance to travel to California, Alaska, Van Couver, and Tijuana. Anyways...gotta go for now.

The Mime I've Become

The mime, I've become
The mute
Desolute
My voice is my victim
My words forever unheard
Feelings forgotten
Trust obliterated
Life destroyed
Heart suffocated
From walls unseen
I hear "Speak louder."
But my barrier forbids
Lives entangled
Now fight to live
The blind one hears
The deaf one refuses to see
The children they suffer
From feelings unseen
The mime, I've become
Unable to speak
All those words
You can't hear
Ask why I look beaten
Upset and frayed
I'd tell you all my words
But it's not like you'd hear
After all
It's a mime I've become
A being seen
Not heard