Weeding

So today I am at a dear friends wedding. They just finished the ceremony so I snuck off to have a smoke.
The ceremony was beautiful. I couldn' help but feel empty however. In part for dear Emily as her sister was only able to be here in spirit. I know mal would have moved worlds to have been here for her little sister. I wish this wasn' the case.
I also found myself wanting to cry not only for Emily's love and new found life and her adventures to come. But also for the emptiness I felt. In no way was it anyone's fault, but I'm so lonely here. It kind of was a little reminder of how I've always wanted this myself. To be so utterly in love with someone that they want to love me forever.
Now don' get me wrong, I love my sweet and very handsome boyfriend...But I'm not sure some thing like this will ever come true. I feel like I've reverted back to childhood where I plan my dream wedding with Prince charming.
My only wedding was a disaster. I was pregnant, he was drunk, the food was terrible, the cake even worse, and it was nothing like I wanted. But I had planned to devote forever to him. He did not.
I guess it seems like this might be a pity party but that's not my point. The bittersweetness, the loneliness... its all a part of that sweet dream many girls have from a young age. The happy ever after.
It's truly possible and I know it is. I'm just hoping maybe one day it will be there for me as well.

On a side note I truly wish, with every ounce of my soul, the best of wishes and a wonderfully adventurous life with never ending love for my sweet Emily Woods. ♡♡

Love
It's like two red hot sabers piercing through my chest. Daring me to to stay intact as I once was before. Slowly ripping my flesh and easily slicing my bone, as though there could never be a formidable foe. Stabbing their lengths through my heart and shredding my soul. Burning everything they touch only to heal as they ease their way back out. Slipping back in through the now built up scar tissue. Never once stopping to consider the pain from the old wounds left behind. Never once caring about the battle between my mind and heart. Yet giving sweet reprise in times I feel I can hold on no longer. And tormenting my every sense into a physical emotion unbound by the laws of physics and psychology. These sabers are not bound by logic. They are entities of their own beginnings. Ones who don't live by laws of science or man. They reach in and grab for all that is whole within. Caressing emotions and wrapping the soul. They stretch into every fiber of living material within reach and hold on with a mighty grasp. 

......started this year's ago.....still can't quite finish but here it is. 

     Every now and then, there are these moments in life. Moments that can flash in front of your eyes and disappear altogether before your eyes even close for that next blink. Before the next breath expands your lungs. In less than a second, these moments can change everything. Change who you are, who you want to be, where you want to go in life, who you want to love or be loved by... The moments that turn a split second into an eternity. What feels like hours worth of information floods into your thoughts and seeps into every pore on the surface of your skin.

     These moments are so easily lost and looked past. I have done my best to pay attention to these moments and allow myself to sink into them. To understand and to listen to not only what my brain has to tell me, but my heart as well.

     It only takes one phrase heard, one sentence read, one line in a song to be sung; to set this into motion. Our bodies, minds and souls are all connected in this fantastically convoluted web of awareness. Seeping into these moments allows me to know me more. Something I have not payed close attention to, for far too long. They help me learn what I'm most scared of, what makes me weak in the knees, what makes me smile so much it hurts, what makes my heart skip a beat and my stomach to do flips. They bring up lost emotions on things I've suppressed for as long as possible. Force me to accept that I've made mistakes not only in my life but in the lives of others. They bring forth my weaknesses, the things I'm most embarrassed of and the things I'm far too insecure about.

     These moments, if truly payed attention to, can not only lift you up from your knees and show you the beauty of what can be; but can tear at every false security you've given yourself and show you the truth behind past and current convictions. Its terrifying to look into the eyes of the beast and not know what you'll see. But no matter how bad it may be, it is an opportunity. One that will allow you to grow, to understand, to maybe figure out what the hell is going on or why the hell you're in the position you're in. These moments need to be acknowledged. Without them, how do you know you? How do you become the best version of yourself? How do you know where to start, to pick yourself up from?

   It kind of takes me back to my posts about paths. These moments can help guide you towards or away from a certain path in life. They help you accept pains and glorify happiness.

Don't let a split second be an opportunity ignored.
   

Love

Love is one of the most painful things there has ever been. It hurts, rips apart, destroys, breaks you down to the most insecure version of yourself. It brings out your worst, your insecurities, your pain, your worst desires. It shreads apart your soul and strips you of all protection you may have had in place before. It beats you down and shows you at the end of the day where you truly stand umongst others. It's those small, little, peaceful, heart warming, confidence boosting moments that make it worth it. It makes all the hurt, the tears, the searing burning in your chest and soul....for one moment at least, disappear. I cling to these healing moments. The memory of no pain and no tears. The tiniest of sweet feelings....these keep my heart as intact as possible. They keep me going, they make me who I am. So does the bad. Its learning to balance the tiniest of joys amongst the mountains of hurt. It isn't always easy and I have my days just as others do. I just choose to try and be strong, take today to try yourself.

Appreciation

Always do your best to show and give appreciation to those who take care of you in any way shape or form. Those who neglect everything that may help themselves in order to take care of you or others. Those who try to do anything and everything within their power to make those they love happy and to make sure their every need is taken care of. Those who sacrifice for the benefit of others. They work hard and they never stop, from the time they wake up until they go to bed at night.

It is common to neglect these people since it is who they are. They too need to know that they matter. They too need to know you care. It hurts to be told consistently everything they do wrong or have not done, especially when they work as hard as possible to do everything in their power.

Don't treat them like they don't matter, they do. Don't dog on them to get things done, they will. Don't pass them up for praise, they deserve it.

Life

Life is full of all kinds of ups and downs. The ups are usually fleeting moments, moments that bring you the most joy only to fall into drastically heart breaking ones. I've realized the majority of my life will always consist of not being enough for those I love most. It's upsetting, and hurts more than most could know. But I continue trying to be all I can be for those who matter most to me. All I can do is all I can do. Hopefully one day they will realize I have always done and will continue to do the best I can. There's nothing worse than feeling like a failure and/our a disappointment. Daily I am forced to deal with the fact that all I do...it's just not enough. I hope one day it will be.

My heart breaks daily at the thought of not being enough. Enough for those I love most. My insides quiver with the fear that I'm not the only one. My insecurity screams in my head and bleeds from my heart, scared to know the truth. My heart pounds at the idea that I am not enough. My brain whirls for hours on end trying to make everything alright. My tears fall silently hidden from view. The jealousy, the uneasiness, the insecurity eating me from within. And all the while, I show a smile.