Nothing but a walk

There are many different roads in life. Ones that we're forced to walk on, one's that we are encouraged to walk on, one's that we happen upon, and one's that whether we know it or not at the time, aren't the best to walk on. I'm sure most people can look back and point out at what points in time, they were on which road.
Now my question to you is, can you tell what road you are on right now? Can you sincerely admit the truth to not only others, but yourself? Where are you in your journey of life?
Did your road suddenly turn into a dead end? Has it come to a fork where both paths look bad? Or has it suddenly merged into an off ramp in which you have no idea where the hell you're headed?
For me personally....I would have to go with the merged and I'm in the middle of I Don't Know Where the Hell I Landed territory.
It's ridiculous anymore. I had a plan for myself. One that would have taken me to such a different life. One that would have been probably more honorable. But at this point, I can't tell if it would have been worth it. One thing I have always said is that I regret nothing. Although the words come out of my mouth from time to time if I'm talking about certain stupid mistakes I have made. But truly if I were to regret it all, I'd be selfish. I would be taking back so many wonderful memories. Like holding my baby girl for the first time (and having a slight mental breakdown BECAUSE I HAD A KID!! lol). Or when my first love, Dustin, asked me to skate with him at my 13th birthday party and then asked me to be his girlfriend. While my dad stood off to the side giving us death eyes :). Or the first time I picked up a saxaphone.
How could I honestly look back and say there was anything I regretted? Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I have made many horrible mistakes in my life. There are things that I wish I had thought out more. Things that were stupid. But all of those mistakes have made me who I am. They have brought me through life to be a strong and loving mother. And altogether a strong person. I found a quote not too long ago that I felt described my feelings about this subject quite well. Here it is:
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." - George Bernard Shaw

So all of those mistakes that you might regret or that end up doing damage, yea they suck, and trust me they will hurt, but don't regret. They are your stepping stones to life. They are the forks in the road, they are you. As mine are me.

But I think I got a bit off topic. My road has merged and keeps going. I'm crossing

(OK, so I apparently wrote this post YEARS ago, I just found it today....and I honestly needed to read this to remind me just how far I've come in life and how far I still have to journey....so for those that this might help, I'm posting this now)

Written MONTHS ago

I've noticed I had quite a few looks at my blog. Thank you to those who found my blurb slightly interesting. I'm sure there is a lot of ranting I can do so I will try to keep this slightly on course. I'm still trying to get divorced...and the ex isn't making many things easy about it. He refuses to speak to me about our daughter and her financial needs and continues to think I'm only asking for help for my personal financial gain. Which is crap. I have everything I need, my daughter, a roof over her head, and food in her mouth. It's hard for me to think about the things I've done in my past and that those events have defined who I am......sometimes I believe it defined what I am. I sometimes worry I am just a drone walking through life faking it as a human. If there hadn't been so many years that I inflicted pain on myself...and if I hadn't felt the pain of child birth I would believe it with no doubts. My daughter keeps me alive though, she keeps me going. My point is, no matter how horrible my past, present, or future, there will always be someone counting on me. As I stated in my previous post, my family loves to draw me into the whole "knight in shining armor" gig and there I am again, no tears, only soothing words and hugs and at times a rigid back and blank stare just to show them whatever strength they think I have. I am usually going over in my head how it's ridiculous for them to think I am strong, me, the person who just hides as much as possible from reality. I literally clock out of life and shut my brain off any chance I get. Of course that's a horrible way to deal with things, and I understand this, but I am who/what I am.
Speaking of...there is this cliche I heard about marriage, about how men marry women hoping they will never change and women marry men hoping to change them. It's true. That is until you realize that it's not the other person who needs to change or stay the same...it's you. You are the reason why things happen the way they do. You are the reason why you are sitting here reading my rants or clicking the next button. One simple action can affect the rest of your life. And trust me it can be for the worse. My marriage...and part of my life before that....were my actions. And while I view my marriage as possibly the worst mistake of my life, there were many wonderful things that came out of it. I have gotten the chance to travel to California, Alaska, Van Couver, and Tijuana. Anyways...gotta go for now.

The Mime I've Become

The mime, I've become
The mute
Desolute
My voice is my victim
My words forever unheard
Feelings forgotten
Trust obliterated
Life destroyed
Heart suffocated
From walls unseen
I hear "Speak louder."
But my barrier forbids
Lives entangled
Now fight to live
The blind one hears
The deaf one refuses to see
The children they suffer
From feelings unseen
The mime, I've become
Unable to speak
All those words
You can't hear
Ask why I look beaten
Upset and frayed
I'd tell you all my words
But it's not like you'd hear
After all
It's a mime I've become
A being seen
Not heard

Not quite sure on a title

So I'm going through a really rough time in my life right now. I'm stressed to the max and not quite sure what steps I need to take to keep moving. I highly doubt anyone is going to read this but I think it might help me some to release some of my issues. I'm in the midst of a divorce, homeless, with a child (She's almost 2), work is crazy, and this morning as soon as I woke up I learned that my uncle passed away yesterday. He never even got to meet my daughter. To be honest I wasn't completely crazy about him as a person, but he was my family. And no matter what I did he always told me how proud of me he was and that he would always love me. He was the kind of person that was really rough around the edges. He was a little hard to open up and yet he truly had good intentions. My poor Aunt Danielle (his wife) found him yesterday at their home, he was already gone. My grandma called me up this morning to explain what little she knew about the situation and asked me to help and to be there. Of all the people in the family, I feel like they always turn to me to be the strong one and to hold them up when they want to fall. I guess that's a good thing, but what happens when I need someone? I need support right now and yet here I am again supporting those around me. Not that I am saying I don't want to, it's just exhausting. And with so much to do otherwise, I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't know where I went but somewhere during my marriage I lost who I truly am. Sorry if all of this is a little confusing, my brain is so scattered right now. People laugh at me when I tell them I feel old, but it's true. It's like no matter what I do, there is so much weight on my shoulders. It was that I was to be a good wife and mother and take care of my husband no matter what, to cook, clean, work, take care of the baby, go to school, and somehow still muster up energy to have sex (although that didn't happen very often). Hell I'm not even 21 yet and already going through a divorce. And my poor baby girl seems frazzled too. I hate that I don't have a place yet. That I don't have her in a stable environment with a set daily schedule. It's basically get things done as they come up. And she deserves so much more than that. She deserves the world and I can only give her a spoonful. At times I wish I had stayed in California with my ex so I could keep her in her daycare program. She was excelling so well there and Mrs. Myra was absolutely amazing with her. Unfortunately I couldn't bring the program with me here to Florida. It would have been awesome if I could. I couldn't even afford to bring all her toys, all our belongings for that matter. It was $1400 to get a truck to deliver our stuff and another $300 for gas in my car that we piled up in, it was full of stuff, a baby, a dog, and my friend Antoinette that came with me. I'm not sure if you know how small the inside of a Scion TC is, but it's pretty damn small when you have that many people and that much stuff in it. Especially on a 3000 mile drive. Although I am proud of myself, I made it in 42 hours. Although I don't think I've gotten a real good night's sleep in over 2 months. Right before everything happened, I was happily married, so I thought. Ryan was out on the ship for a little over a month, I loved him with every ounce of my soul. Then I kept asking him if we could drive up to San Francisco for his stop on the ship but he kept saying no. I didn't really think anything of it, but when he was there, I learned later, him and a friend went to a bar and picked up a few girls and went back to their place. He still swears up and down he didn't cheat on me, but I'm sorry you don't go home with a girl from a bar and not do anything. I'm not exactly an idiot. Then the day he came back is when he told me that he had divorce papers drawn up months ago and he couldn't be married to me anymore. That three years of my life were a lie because he never had been in love with me and had only married me because he felt obligated. Can you imagine how hard of a slap in the face that one was? I think I still have a bruise from it. I was out of the house less than a week after and on my way here. There was nothing else for me there. The whole situation is like a big ass can of shit. It stinks and I don't even want to touch it with a 10 ft pole, but unfortunately I might have to dunk my head in. UGH. I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of this. Although I can see why people blog now, it's kind of helping me breath a little easier. I don't know how I'm going to deal with my Aunt Danielle. The poor woman is going to break down for sure. I feel like I'm going to have to keep my mommy face on with her too. It's bad enough I have to do that all day with my daughter. And now it has to stay on. Then I have to go into work too. Sheesh. Im sure, if anyone reads this, you probably think that I'm just bitching about normal life stuff, but you have no idea how stressful my life has been. I'm not saying that other people's lives aren't or that there aren't people out there that have it worse, because I know different. But for me, it's been nothing but fall after fall after fall. I sometimes can't believe I have the strength to get back up sometimes. I will most likely write again after I get off work and if I have to, see my Aunt again. But I have to get a shower and get my game face on to go deal with my family tragedy. Bye.